Want, but cannot have.

I've always known that I've wanted kids, and that steady desire has always (I think) been a little higher than that of my peers. Because of the steadiness of that desire, I always suspected that I would never have that biological clock ticking moment that so many women talk about -- I always thought that my desire for children could never be more than it always was.

But boy, oh boy, was I wrong.

I see babies everywhere around me. I have friends, GOOD friends, being pregnant, being excited, being happy. Male friends, female friends, married friends, single friends, everywhere friends who are gearing up to have children. But not me, and not for a long time.

Competing with my desire for children are so many other things. Confusion about career is a big one -- I just started a job at a new company, and while the potential for my vertical ascent is quite high, right at this very moment, people with less work experience and education than me are in positions of greater seniority than me. That, to me, is a sign that I need to focus on career, IF I want a career which is fulfilling. I'm not the bright young star anymore -- I'm actually several years older than every single one of the new hires at my company. I'm still smart and hard working, but now, I've got to be even smarter and harder-working than usual, simply to make up for lost time.

Another source of confusion is my physical well-being. I'm not actually ill or anything... but I'm not a picture of glowing health, if you know what I mean. My gym habits have gone down the toilet. I've gained (gulp) 20 pounds in the last 2.5 years. I don't get enough sleep. And on and on and on -- nothing that is life-threatening, just quality-of-life-threatening. But years of being a preventive health nut means I can't ignore this stuff.

And finally, money. I've got lots of student loans to pay off. A husband to support. Retirement funds to build up from ground zero. And while I'm making about 3 times as much money as I ever had before.... I don't know. Money goes fast in the Bay Area. It would probably be going fast regardless of where I was.

So, yeah. The baby clock is ticking. But so are all sorts of other clocks. And instead of one of them drowning out all the others, it's just a mess in my brain. The desire for a baby does NOT cancel out the other desires I have, for health and career and money. And vice versa.

In conclusion, I probably won't be having a baby anytime soon, or a good career, or money, etc. That's what makes me sad these days.